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Chapter 2

Who Pays the Price?

     You may have heard the expression “There is no such thing as a free lunch.” Well, I don’t know about lunch, but I do know that there’s no such thing as a free sin. Sin always comes with a price.

“For the wages of sin is death...”–Romans 6:23

And there is a heavy price to pay for the sin of disobeying this commandment:

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”–2 Corinthians 6:14

But who pays the price? When a Christian woman forsakes her godly inheritance for the sake of a non-Christian man and marries him, is it just her? Or do the consequences extend further? Is the cost of her disobedience and lack of faith more expensive than she thought? Oh yes! Unfortunately, it is! Sin is not satisfied with destroying just one individual. Those around you will suffer as well.

The Christian woman pays the price.

     The Christian woman who marries a non-Christian man suffers greatly. First of all, she is living with a man who is not on the same spiritual level as she is, which is unfortunate, since the man is supposed to be the spiritual head of the household.  If the man she marries does not have Jesus as his Lord and Savior, he cannot possibly fulfill that role. So since the Word of God commands wives to be submissive to her husband, she would be submitting to a man who does not have Jesus as His Lord and Savior. Do you really want to put yourself in that situation?

Two faiths on one pillow, the devil lies between them.–Dutch Proverb

Whoever has an unbeliever for a mate has the Devil for a father-in-law.–English Proverb

     If you marry a man who is not saved, you are forsaking a dollar for the sake of a dime, and cheating yourself of God’s best for your life. You must not be guided by your feelings and emotions. The Word of God must reign in your life, and your feelings and emotions must be brought into submission to God. To place your feelings and emotions above God’s Word is idolatry, and is disobedient to the Lord–and that act results in more disobedience of the Lord. And that in turn results in you cheating yourself of all the blessings that God has for you, though you may not know it for a time. A Christian woman who is in a relationship with a non-Christian man is suffering without realizing it. Her romantic feelings act as a pill to alleviate the symptoms of a hurting spirit. Although that man is not a child of God, she truly believes that she has found Mr. Right, not realizing that his first name is Not. In the beginning, everything is all hunky-dory. They love each other, they want to be with each other, and she maybe tries to get him to “pray the prayer” in order to make it somehow acceptable to marry him. She may compromise her own godly values for the sake of the man (which often happens in such cases). She may bring him to church now and then, and a church function or two. And it may seem that he is showing some interest in it. She may even have succeeded in getting him to “pray the prayer.” Sometime later, they are married, and all is good for the first year or so. Then once the honeymoon is over, everything changes. He doesn’t want to go to church anymore, and possibly admits that he faked his salvation for her sake. He may say to her, “You go to church if you want to, but leave me out of it.” So now she finds that she has been deceived by him. Still, she will do all she can to be a good wife. But eventually, as she progresses in the Lord, she can no longer relate to him the way she should. She and her husband are in two different worlds.

     Or the opposite will happen. She may stop going to church herself. Her husband may be used by Satan to isolate her from the fellowship of the saints. He may manipulate her emotionally by saying, “Do you love me, or do you love church? If you truly loved me, you would spend more time with me.” He may try to get her to compromise and only attend church twice a month. Whatever he does, he will eventually draw her away from the saints, and eventually away from her First Love–her Lord and Savior, Christ Jesus. Often, a Christian marries an unbeliever with the hope that she or he will turn to Jesus and get saved. But instead, the Christian winds up getting drawn away from the Lord, and into a backslidden state. As a result, she suffers from spiritual starvation, and a sin-ridden life. Then children enter into the picture.

     But since God never releases His hold upon His children, He lives up to His reputation of The Good Shepherd and goes after the lost sheep. She becomes redeemed, repents to the Lord for her rebellion, and renews her relationship with the Lord. However, her unsaved husband doesn’t like his wife to be this way, and eventually leaves her for another woman. She goes through the difficult, heartbreaking process of divorce. She is broken inside, and in great pain and distress. She goes through the stages of denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. But praise God she can lean on her Heavenly Father, for He is the Husband to the redeemed woman with no husband (Isaiah 54:5, Hosea 2:16). Although the pain is great for her, she will not try to bargain with her ex-husband or try to win him back, for she knows now that she can no longer be with a man who does not love the Lord. She also finally realizes that God was right after all when He said:

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? –2 Corinthians 6:14

(Is that Scripture sinking into your heart, yet?)

     And hopefully, she also realizes that if she obeyed the Lord in the first place, she would not have had to go through this time of trial that she is in now. She may also lament the years wasted with this man–years that she could have spent with the right man, had she waited upon the Lord–years that she will never get back.

     And that is yet another tactic Satan will use on a Christian woman. He may not always cause the marriage to fall apart too soon. The longer they stay married, the longer the Christian woman will be kept away from the godly man that the Lord chose for her. Moreover, Satan will often wait until children are born into the family before tearing it apart. After all, the family is the foundation of society, and it is the family that Satan targets the most–especially the children therein. This is one of the main reasons why Satan endeavors to get Christians in unevenly yoked relationships. It is a clever plan Satan has come up with–to begin his attack on the family even before it becomes a family. The best way Satan accomplishes this is by making sure that at least one of the two spouses is without Christ. And sadly, it works every time!   

The Christian man pays the price.

     What Christian man, you ask? All the lonely Christian men out there who are praying, believing, and waiting upon the Lord for a wife, but who are left on the shelf, because the women in the church are wasting themselves on non-Christian men. Then when they finally do meet these women–after they’re done being used up, broken inside, and tossed aside–they are forced to deal with the scars and the baggage that they bring into the relationship. These Christian men are forced to reap what they have not sown.  

     For example, Michael is praying to the Lord for a wife. The Lord has destined for Lisa to be married to Michael, and has made them for one another. However, Lisa has chosen to marry Bob, a man who does not serve the Lord. So Lisa wastes her virginity (assuming she has not already fornicated with other men beforehand, which is often the case with Christian women who go after non-Christian men), her love, indeed her whole self on a man that God has not chosen for her. Therefore, not only is Michael kept waiting longer than he should have had to, but he has also been denied the precious gift of taking Lisa’s virginity at the appointed time when they finally marry. He will have also been denied the gift of fathering her children. And Lisa will have brought all of her emotional scars into the relationship, which will have profound effects on them both. Her children will possibly resent Michael, and Michael will have to compete with her ex-husband, her ex-lovers as well if any, and with the father (or fathers, as is the case for many women) of her children. All the emotional problems that developed in her relationship with Bob will be brought out in her relationship with Michael. For instance, when Michael wants to make love to his wife Lisa, she pushes him away because the way he touches her may remind her of her relationship with Bob, or with any other man she gave herself to. The memories from such relationships that are seared into her mind like a branding iron often force her to carry the hurt and the guilt, and therefore make it difficult, if not impossible, for her to have any kind of intimate relationship with Michael. So Michael is forced to go without sex, because Lisa didn’t. Or, whenever they are intimate, Michael may wonder in the back of his mind if Lisa is comparing him to Bob, or to any other man in her past, which makes it hard for him to have any kind of intimate relationship with her.

     In cases like this, Michael and Lisa will need some serious godly counsel in order for them to resolve the issues that are affecting their marriage as a result of Lisa’s disobedience to God. Michael will need to be strong enough to handle the baggage Lisa brings into the relationship because of her disobedience to the Lord. Better yet, Lisa will need to submit her baggage to the Lord, and pray with Michael that they can leave the past behind and move forward with each other in Christ and to experience true intimacy with one another without thinking about their past relationships. And Michael will need to pray to the Lord for the strength and love to not remember Lisa’s past or to hold it against her, but to know that her sins are forgiven by God just as his sins are. Michael will also need to forgive Lisa, and to love her as Christ loves the church (which incidentally, is full of sinners). Nevertheless, it would have been far better for Lisa–and for Michael–if she obeyed the Lord and waited upon Him from the start.

The children pay the price.

     Children look to the parents to set the example that they are taught by them. A child being raised by parents where one serves the Lord and the other does not can cause confusion in that child’s life. Mommy does all she can to teach her children the ways of the Lord, and that they need to obey the Lord in all things. However, they look at Daddy who does not serve the Lord, and therefore does not set a godly example for the children. They may even be led to believe that they don’t really need Jesus in their lives since Daddy seems to be managing fine without Him. Mommy may become aggravated with the ungodly example that Daddy sets for the children, and argue with him about it. The children will look at them both and not see a united front. Often, they are forced to choose between following Mommy’s godly values or Daddy’s ungodly values. This creates chaos and confusion in the family—not what God intended for the family, since He is not the author of confusion.

     So by choosing to marry a non-Christian man, you are denying your children a godly father figure. It is often said that the father of the family is representative of God the Father. Therefore, if you give your children an ungodly man for a father, you are profaning the Lord by giving your children a poor example of who God the Father really is. Later on, we will go over in more depth the suffering the children go through as a result of an unevenly yoked marriage.

The Church pays the price.

     The divorce rate in the church today is about the same as it is in the secular world. This is a shameful blight upon the church, and we–the saints of God–are partially responsible for that. If Christians did not marry non-Christians, the divorce rate in the church would be much lower, I guarantee it. The individual selfishness of Christian women today who choose to marry non-Christian men are setting forth the little foxes who spoil the vines throughout the church. Unevenly yoked relationships set a bad example for the world as well as for the next generation. The lack of men in the church who serve the Lord sets a bad example for the young boys in the church. Many young boys will not have many godly male role models that they can look up to due to the growing number of Christian women marrying non-Christian men. Neither will young girls, and they need godly male role models just as much as boys do, if not more so. Moreover, both boys and girls will see the hypocrisy reigning in the church. These people will be taught by the older generation to obey the Lord in all things. Then they come across this scripture:

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?–2 Corinthians 6:14

Once they are taught that Scripture–and they surely will be at some point–they will wonder why their mothers disobeyed that commandment. How can Christian mothers teach the youth to obey the Lord if they deliberately disobeyed the Lord themselves by marrying unbelievers? Children pay more attention to what you do than to what you say. Hypocrisy in the church is often the number one reason why many young people leave the church when they’re old enough. So by marrying a non-Christian man, you are becoming a stumbling block to others. Does that non-Christian man mean so much to you, that you’re willing to sacrifice the spiritual well-being of your children, as well as the children in the church for his sake? Jesus gave this warning:

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea.”–Matthew 18:6

     Not only that, but many struggling Christians in the church will look at them and have their faith challenged. Many single people who are trying to trust in God for a spouse will see these Christian women going after non-Christian men and marrying them. Since they are not able to see what God sees, all they will see is how happy she is with him and think to themselves that they should probably try dating non-Christians as well. Then, like any infection, this particular sin of disobedience will spread throughout the church, bringing about curses not only on the individual, but upon the church as well. The church cannot grow spiritually if everyone in it is living in disobedience. And it can–and often does– start with just one person. This is known in the Word as being the leaven of the church.

“Your glorifying is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump?”–1 Corinthians 5:6

     God is never pleased with the worship of those who are living in deliberate disobedience to Him. Christians who are involved in romantic relationships with non-Christians often try to kiss up to God with praise and worship, and convince themselves that they are happy with this person, and since God wants us to be happy then it must be all right with God. They also tell themselves that as long as they just keep praising and worshiping the Lord and reading His word, it will be all right. However, they forgot one thing!

     Once again, we are going to look at the poor example of King Saul. In the 15^th chapter of 1 Samuel, the prophet Samuel, serving as the spiritual leader of Israel, spoke to King Saul, who was serving as the political and military leader of Israel.

Samuel related to Saul that God wanted Israel to bring forth God’s judgment upon Amalek, and to utterly destroy them all. The reason for this was that it was God’s judgment upon Amalek for their wickedness against Israel. When The Israelites were leaving Egypt, the Amalekites were the first ones to attack them. And when they did, they went after the weaker ones first. They mercilessly destroyed the more vulnerable people with no remorse or provocation. The attack against the Israelites was a military one, so God wanted to judge the Amalekites the same way. Saul was commanded to spare no one, and that no spoils were to be taken. All livestock were to be slaughtered as well. This was because such an attack was the appointed judgment of God, and it would be wrong for Israel to rejoice and benefit from God’s judgment since God does not bring judgment with a glad heart. God desires repentance, not punishment. But He will deal out punishment if He has to.

     This war was also a test of obedience for Saul–one that he sadly failed. He did not utterly kill all of the Amalekites, but spared Agag, king of the Amalekites. The Israelites also took the best of the cattle, the sheep, and the oxen instead of obeying the Lord and destroying it all. The next morning, Saul had the audacity to erect a monument of himself at Carmel, expressing his sinful pride (the root of all sin) and how well pleased he was with himself for a job he believed to be well done. Little did Saul know just how grieved God was with his disobedience, to the point where God expressed His regret to Samuel that He made Saul king of Israel. And that in turn grieved Samuel to see His Lord so grieved, and to be placed with the burden of disciplining the disobedient king. As you can see, Saul’s sin had an effect on God and on His true followers.

     So when Saul met up with Samuel, he was so filled with his own pride and self-deception that he behaved like a little boy trying to kiss up to his teacher, saying that he did as the Lord commanded. But Samuel was no dummy. He could clearly hear the unmistakable sounds of the sheep and oxen that were taken as spoils, and asked Saul about it, knowing full well what was going on. Trying to excuse himself, Saul claimed that the people spared the best of the sheep and oxen to be sacrificed to the Lord, and the rest were destroyed. But in verse 16, Samuel says “Be quiet! And I will tell you what the Lord said to me.” Apparently, Samuel had enough of Saul’s pathetic excuses. Saul responded by saying “Speak on,” as if Samuel needed his permission to convey the word of the Lord. Samuel reminded Saul of what he was commanded by God to do, and asked him why he disobeyed, and did evil in the sight of the Lord. Saul tried to justify himself by saying that he has done as the Lord commanded, and brought back King Agag, and the people took only the best of the livestock to sacrifice to God. To the laymen, this jumble of half-truths may sound like a good justification. After all, Saul tried to disinvolve himself from what the people were doing, and then claimed that they were doing it for spiritual reasons. But here’s what Samuel said in verses 22 and 23:

“Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than to sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He also has rejected you from being king.”

     God never asked Saul for burnt sacrifices–He asked for obedience to His commandment. Saul was so out of touch with God that he thought that he could disobey Him, and then try to kiss up to Him with offers of “the best” to sacrifice to the Lord. This is like an adulterer buying his wife expensive jewelry and trips to exotic locations. All the gifts he gives her don’t make up for the fact that he is cheating on her, left and right. 

     My sisters, all the worship and praise you offer the Lord, all the Bible studies and church services you attend means nothing to the Lord if you are living in deliberate disobedience to Him. If you are dating a non-Christian man with the intention of marrying him, there is no way you can possibly justify your disobedience before the Lord. You may try to say, “Oh, but he’s so nice, and he’s so loving towards me, and I believe God’s going to save him. If I just set the right example, pray for him, and lead him the right way, I just know he will be led to the Lord and get saved.” But what Christian women who justify themselves in this way fail to understand is that nowhere in the Bible do you find anyone engaging in “missionary dating” or “missionary marriage.” In fact, every romantic and marital relationship that involved someone who did not serve the Lord ALWAYS ended badly. If “missionary relationships” actually worked, then God would not have added this commandment–yes, I am going to repeat it again:

“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?”–2 Corinthians 6:14

     To disobey the Lord for any reason–even if it’s for spiritual reasons that you think will be a blessing to someone–is a sin, no matter how you look at it. There is no such thing as a justifiable reason for disobeying the Lord. Such a way of thinking not only grieves the Lord our God, but it also has a detrimental effect on the church as a whole. It is so important for the church to realize that when God commands something, there can be no argument. We are to obey Him. To do otherwise will make a poor testimony of the church to the world, and profane the name of the Lord. Please examine the following Scriptures:

“Judah has dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem, for Judah has profaned the Lord’s holy institution which He loves; he has married the daughter of a foreign god. May the Lord cut off from the tents of Jacob the man who does this being awake and aware, yet who brings an offering to the Lord of Hosts.”– Malachi 2:11. 12

“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light.”– 1 Peter 2:9

     In the first verse, the prophet Malachi is speaking the word of the Lord, expressing God’s anger with the priests of Israel for willfully marrying pagan women. Many of these priests were even divorcing their Israelite wives so they could marry the pagan women. The priests of Israel were called to set the example of holiness for the Israelites, and that included marrying only the women of Israel who served the Lord. Further down in verse 13, Malachi spoke the word of the Lord when he said that they had the gall to be upset with the Lord when He refused their offerings at the altar. What they didn’t realize is that God is never pleased with the sacrifices of His children when they live in wickedness. It even says in Proverbs 15:8 that the sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord. Marriage is a holy and sacred institution to the Lord, just as it ought to be to us. Therefore, for a Christian to date and marry someone who is not a brother or sister in the Lord is to profane the holy institution of marriage, which the Lord loves. And I can assure you, the Lord does not smile upon seeing something He loves being profaned in any way.  

     In the second verse above, we read that we are called to be a holy nation of the King’s priests, so that we may lift up praises to Him for bringing us out of darkness into His marvelous light. How then can we dowse the light within us by marrying into darkness–or even dating into darkness? That is an insult to what God did for us. Jesus calls us to be the light of the world, and when we choose to deliberately disobey Him, that light becomes diminished. We are chosen by God to be His holy, special people. So we must not seek to date and marry those who are part of the world that we are called to be separate from.

“You are the light of the world...” Matthew 5:14

Even the non-Christian man pays the price.

     When a non-Christian man marries a Christian woman, he is happy with her at first. But once the marriage falls apart–as it surely will– he becomes turned off to Christians and Christianity in general. Any hope of him being led to Jesus in a true way may be lost due to his bad experience with a Christian woman. If anyone tries to share the gospel with him, he will remember the bad experience he had with the Christian woman he married, and say no to the Lord. This is not a good excuse for him to reject the Lord, but it is one he will use nonetheless. Also, should he happen to read scripture while he’s dating you, he may come across 2 Corinthians 6:14, and wonder to himself, “Hey, I’m an unbeliever. And yet, she chooses to be with me. So if she’s willing to disobey that verse for my sake, maybe she’ll be willing to forsake all that nonsense about saving sex for marriage.” And more often than not, he’s right! And if she engages in fornication with this non-Christian man, not only is she sinning with him, but she is causing him to sin with her, and she will incite God’s wrath upon him.

Do you not know that you are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.—1 Corinthians 3:16, 17

     The very fact that you are willing to date and marry the non-Christian man is a bad testimony of who you are in Jesus. How can he possibly see you as a godly example if you do not obey the Lord? If you are so willing to kick Jesus aside for the sake of a man, how can this man possibly see any meaning in having a relationship with God? So once your relationship with him goes sour–and it will–he will remember you and see Christians as hypocrites, and never desire a relationship with the Lord. He will see no point in doing so.

            Think about it! Ironically, by rejecting any sort of romantic relationship with a non-Christian man, you are actually doing him a favor and setting a godly example for him, though he may not realize it.

“Ah! You will never win any soul to the right by a compromise with the wrong. It is decision for Christ and his truth that has the greatest power in the family, and the greatest power in the world, too.” –Charles Spurgeon

     When I was living in London, I stayed with a godly married couple named Peter and Karen. I remember Karen telling me that when she first met Peter years ago, he wasn’t saved. So when he asked her out on a date, she refused him, saying that she will not date someone who is not a brother in the Lord. And God bless her, she stood her ground. More to the point, she stood upon the rock. Although Karen was a friend to Peter, she never got involved with him romantically so long as he did not have Jesus as Lord and Savior. But some time after that, he did indeed get saved, and it was only after she knew that his salvation was true that they started dating. They eventually married, and today, Peter is an ordained minister, and both of them are on fire for the Lord. They even have a son who is also a minister. Truly, God has blessed them both–and it was all because Karen stood her ground and obeyed the Word of the Lord. Now if she had chosen to date Peter when he wasn’t saved, I have no doubt it would have all gone drastically wrong, and she would have been cursed, not blessed. But praise God that Karen is a living testimony of what happens when we obey the Lord and stand upon His Word!

     Incidentally, if you have failed God in this area, and have come out of the broken relationship as a result, just know that if you repent for your disobedience, God is faithful and He will forgive you. Not only that, but He will give you another chance if you work with Him, and let Him prepare you the right way. Do it His way, and I guarantee that you will be blessed beyond measure. It isn’t too late! The next time a non-Christian man asks you out on a date, follow Karen’s example and stand upon God’s Word by refusing to compromise or disobey the Lord, knowing who you truly are in Christ Jesus, and knowing that God has a brother in Christ for you. 

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